What I Needed to Read Last Year...

Dear reader,

This blog entry is unlike any entry I have written thus far. Where are the introductory questions? Where is the catchy title? This time, the formalities have disappeared. I recently asked myself "How can words on a paper affect my emotions like this?" as I worried about the near future. I come to you, reader, screen, keyboard... carrying a heavy heart and a distraught mind. I come to you, hoping these words will have some sort of impact whether it is reminiscing or wondering....

Last August, as I was starting my senior year of high school, I was warned by many that it would be the hardest stage of life to let go. Naturally, as an extremely sentimental person, I decided to buy a camera that would follow me wherever I went. My camera became my second set of eyes and carries memories I can't even recall in my mind... Simultaneously, in the back of my mind, I had this lingering thought that pocked my amygdala, every now and again, to remind me of its existence... This thought became a nuisance; it overtook my mind at times of joy and told me I would never be able to relive these precious moments again. The simplest of moments would trigger this mysterious character living within me. Moments when we were all gathered in a tight space, trying to articulate our thoughts between the laughter that echoed around us. Sometimes, when I visit our favorite spots, I can still feel the delicate nature of teenage friendship floating.

There are many warnings that haunt every senior in high school from August to June. Just like other senior - I was reminded of these warnings every single day! These disclaimers included "You'll miss this part of your life more than any other part, trust me" or "Just wait until the summer before university when life decides to humble you" and "University is much harder than high school". My replies were always "Don't worry, I'm soaking in every moment and I'm recording everything" or "Life has already humbled me and this summer will be like closure" and "At least I will be living my dream". Here I am, letting my guard down. Here I am, escaping the perfect image I tried to create. Here I am, to tell you what I experienced.

First of all, I am living the dream I had for many years but it's SO unfamiliar. Going into my dream university, I was welcomed with open arms. Although, my arms were tightly sealed to my body; I could not cope with the fact that every detail about it was different, even though, it was exactly what I had envisioned for years leading up to it.

Secondly, the summer before university.... The summer before.... The summer... Last summer. Last summer was THE most humbling experience of my life. It consisted of shock, after shock, after shock. To the point that, I would wake up hoping I was having a nightmare and none of it was true. As I sit here, on the same table my forehead was glued to, trying to conceal the tears trickling from my eyes on that late July evening, the last July evening of this year, I can't help but feel grateful. I feel grateful for every shock, every disappointment, every dream I had planned and every vision I envisioned that are now long gone. I feel grateful to know the person I am today.

Thirdly, I do miss high school. This is coming from a person who recorded almost every moment of it and revisits those moments whenever they're bored. However, tapes of the experiences can be rewatched but not relived... Nonetheless, it isn't like I can't enjoy university. I am enjoying university. This longing is just like hoping you could relive your childhood. The memories will always be there and every recording will be safely stored with me for years to come.

Over one year ago, I was envisioning my life as a senior in high school, the top of the school, the leader, the role model. I knew what to expect, I knew what to plan and I thought I was prepared for everything to come. Dear reader, if you are in that situation, or soon will be... Listen carefully.

Every senior in high school has one priority: To get into their dream university. Every freshman in university has one of the following priorities: To make friends or to get high grades or to join as many extracurriculars as possible. I have had my entire life planned for many years, I had calculated everything to achieve both my senior objectives and my freshman objectives. Many things did not go to plan. 2+2 was sometimes 5! There have been moments where nothing made sense, but everything suddenly falls into place....

On that note, I give you my final piece of advice. I write to you what I needed to read last year. Plan but do not follow the plan. Envision but do not keep your eyes set on that vision. I am here to tell you that the past year has been home to many of my hardest struggles but they have been my favorite struggles. Enjoy the lows. Prepare well for the future. Prepare for the unknown because a lot of the rest of your life will be unknown. A quote I always said last year was "Every year we know where we will be during fall, we know the routine, the necessities, the preparations and everything about it. However, we have no idea where we will be next year." To some extent, I still agree with this opinion I once had, but now it's different. We don't actually know where we will be next fall but we plan based on what we expect. Dear high school student, do not let this thought consume you. Plan but do not expect the plan to be reflected in your life exactly as it appeared in your mind. Envision but do not expect your visions to be 100% accurate. Finally, take advantage of every opportunity that comes your way.