Saying Goodbye To My Childhood

Why are we afraid of growing up? Is it a result of observing the older people in our lives? Or, is it the result of growing up in an era that is constantly recalling the past fondly?

It’s time to say goodbye to my childhood. Or is it? We all have a child within us. So why is it immensely difficult to accept the inevitable truth of growing up, when we can’t actually stop it? We will never be able to stop it… As a 16 year old girl, I see my responsibilities filling up in front of me, like the stack of books I bought but haven’t read yet. I can see the list of responsibilities growing, while the list of goals grows, while the list of wishes grows and visions grow………. That was a lot, wasn’t it? Imagine all of that in your mind, constantly.

I have the responsibility of making little me proud, as I build future me. I need to remind my conscious to be proud of my current self as well. How will I do this? That is the question of the year. Will I ever reach my future self? Or will she slip away from my grasp, because I lost myself to achieve other’s dreams? Stay tuned.

As I’m writing this, I can feel the writer’s block settling in, I can feel my true, genuine self escape to a crevice in my mind, desperately trying to hide. I’m stressed, we all are. I look around at the people engraved in my mind, my friends, my classmates and I see worry etched on our countenances.

I notice this generation crumbling and resorting to negative things in order to avoid their reality. It’s eye opening seeing how many of them have given up on themselves. People who have so much potential, ones who haven’t started their lives yet, THEY’RE GIVING UP! How is our community allowing the spark in their eyes to die, their souls to turn off and their hearts to beat quietly? I miss hearing their hearts beat loudly, seeing their eyes sparkle for the little things, their souls glowing between every child. But we aren’t children anymore, are we? We’ve grown up believing that this concept means killing our inner childhood, when it actually means holding onto it more and more.

Maturing also means an increased capability of awareness, we can see the things we once were oblivious to. I can see the hidden feelings behind people’s expressions, it makes me fear what I will turn into when I am that age. I wish to live in ignorant bliss, I wish to switch off my emotions so I can be numb until I settle. It’s uncomfortable growing up. Nevertheless, I won’t resort to these conclusions because that means going backwards in my life, it means never actually settling in within my mind, it means those hidden feelings behind happy expressions will manifest themselves into my daily life. It also means I will never feel happy in the memories I am making.

Some of us miss being held in the arms of our caretakers. Some of us miss running outside, jumping on trampolines, falling and getting up so we don’t miss a moment of fun. The problem is, we don’t have to say goodbye to this… We can still experience it, except we stop ourselves from having these experiences because “we’re too old”.

I think about the past sometimes, I sit and stare at nothing. I envision myself hopeful, dreaming and knowing I would be proud of my future self. Thinking about that now, how past me is, proud of Aisha right now, it's truly a full circle moment.

However, it urges me to think about the future, my hopes and dreams for myself when in 10 years. We have no idea where we're going to be next year! It used to be school, there used to be structure and now... Now there's nothing but blocks we need to stack… alone.

Can I not envision myself in my 20s because we've become more aware with age? Or is it because we're afraid our dreams won't come true? As young children, we used to dream with no limit, not knowing what was realistic, what was unrealistic, everything could happen. Why did that stop? Can't we keep dreaming without a limit?

Dear future, I hope you're waiting for me, anticipating my presence, longing for the success that I will soon feel. Dear future, I have so many questions that I hope you hold the answers to...

Dear future, we'll see you soon.